THE MED SCHOOL– Lamenting the lack of opportunity for non-business students to become intoxicated on a large expanse of grassy turf, Dean Christian Larsen of Emory’s medical school unveiled plans for a weekly event titled “Painkillers on the Plain.”
“We noticed that Kegs on the Quad offered a highly sought after service in providing inebriants to students, but that only a small subset of students actually had access to this university sanctioned drinking party. So we asked some of our doctors, ‘what do we at the medical school offer that people like?’ The resounding number one answer was ‘morphine,’ and so Painkillers on the Plain was born.”
Where Kegs is generally perceived as a high-energy networking event, experts are theorizing that Painkillers could have a significantly chiller vibe.
“Well, morphine is a hell of a drug.” stated anesthesiologist Robert Grady. “Assuming most of the student body has never abused prescription painkillers before, you’re going to be seeing a lot of kids calling it an early night on the grass once the drugs take hold.”
Grady also added that those cool kids who had experimented with painkillers before should “have no problem handling their shit.”
As word of the harder drugs being offered by the medical school program reaches Goizueta, Kegs is expected to lose some market share as stressed-out business students cross campus in search of a better high. In order to remain competitive, Kegs is expected to start offering hard liquor, amphetamines (cleverly billed as study drugs), and mesculin in the near future.
At press time, administrators taking part in a trial run of Painkillers on the Plain reported feeling “like, totally awesome.”
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