Gifts for your partner that say, “I’m breaking up with you on the 15th.”

Ah, February. When the weather outside is so chilly and bleak that we must rely on the fire of our loins to keep us warm. During my semester abroad in France, the home of the French, I would frequently stop people on the street to ask what they thought of the season of love. They always just said, “Je te déteste stupide américain,” which I assume means that they like it. But sometimes you realize that cuffing season has cuffed you to the wrong person. Maybe they just aren’t “the one.” Maybe they’re like a 6 and you think you’re funny enough to score at least a 7. 

 

Whatever the reason, it’s important to have tact in these situations. Obviously you wait the appropriate period of twelve hours after the celebration of your love to cut ties, and you should still give them a gift to show you care. In addition to making sure that they won’t talk about you to their hotter friends. Choosing a gift in these situations can be quite difficult, so here are a few ideas to get you started:

 

1. A locket of them and their highschool boyfriend

This is one clever way to subliminally implant the idea to break up in your partner’s mind. Suddenly they’ll find themselves thinking of their former love for some unknown reason. And why would they be thinking of their ex for no reason if they were really happy with you? Blammo! A marked success!

 

2. A scrapbook where they look bad in every photo

A scrapbook is a beautiful, personal gift to show how much you care. And if “how much you care” is not very much, you can demonstrate that by only choosing photos where you look great and they’re juuust about to sneeze.

 

3. The Complete Box Set of “Young Sheldon”

Gifting the “Young Sheldon” Complete Box Set is a surefire way to let them know that “you will never see me naked”.

 

4. A card with a different name obviously crossed out

This gift really says, “you’re still in my phone as ‘Sarah from Bumble.’” Making your partner think you forgot their name is a great way to demonstrate that maybe you guys weren’t so close after all, and it definitely wouldn’t be weird for them to introduce you to some of those hotter friends we were talking about. I personally tried this one on my partner of four years and it worked like a charm.

 

5. Only a present for their mom

Only buying a present for your never-to-be-mother-in-law will let your partner know that they just aren’t doing it for you anymore, but you’re still a really, really good person. This option also allows you to have a foot in the door with their mom.

 

6. Say it with candy hearts

Look at these lil guys, aren’t they adorable? Your partner will find these delicious little candies/craft supplies so endearing that they’ll barely notice that they are simply a vehicle for you to say that it’s over.

 

There you have it. Giving any one of these gifts is sure to allow you to leave your committed relationship with your head held high knowing that you did the right thing. Now you are ready to find love again! As my French friends would say, “ton idiotie me rend triste pour ta famille!”