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Health

Too Hot: Zumba Literally Starts a Fire

Sources report a fire broke out around 6:00pm on the second floor of the WoodPEC during a weekly Zumba class this Monday. Officials say this was a standard electrical fire,…

Apocalyptic Paradox: Every Premed “Not Like Other Premeds”

Experts are reporting today that the Earth faces possible annihilation from a paradox in which every premed student simultaneously claims that they are “not like other premeds.” This latest threat…

Med School Reveals Kegs Competitor “Painkillers on the Plain”

THE MED SCHOOL– Lamenting the lack of opportunity for non-business students to become intoxicated on a large expanse of grassy turf, Dean Christian Larsen of Emory’s medical school unveiled plans…

BREAKING: Tuberculosis Allegedly a Cover-Up for Pregnancy Scare

Students in the Goizueta Business School were informed via email Monday that they had potentially come into contact with another student who was infected with tuberculosis. After hundreds of google…

Johnny Loses the Farm to DUC Vegas

The Dobbs University Center committee brought Vegas to Emory. A night of playful fun and the perfect chance to develop a new addiction proved far more devastating for one junior…

CDC Battles Emory’s Post-Semiformal Hickey Epidemic

The CDC sent out a medical emergency warning to the entire Emory listserv alerting the community about a new contagious outbreak of what is colloquially known as “hickeys.” The early…

EEMS Introduces New “Pool Your Ride” Feature to Mitigate High Costs

Emory Emergency Medical Services and Conduct Council recently announced that they plan to fully introduce a new “Pool Your Ride” option by Thanksgiving. The service hopes to remove the financial…

Randy Audits Global Public Health 250

An audit in Core Issues in Global Health left Randy the Roach reeling from the obvious lack of cockroach community support in the university. An unsuspecting Randy was shocked at…

Emory Introduces New Organ Donation Payment Plan for Students

  With the increasing competition amongst colleges to create the illusion of financial appeal, the Office of Financial Aid has introduced a new tuition payment plan that will allow students…

Therapy Dog Resigns After Seeing Severity of Emory Student Body’s Mental Health Issues

Emory University recently gained, and lost, a new member of their psychiatric staff: Beowulf, an American Indian therapy dog. The general community was initially very excited about the arrival of…

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