The executive board of Phi Delta Epsilon, a new chapter of the co-ed medical fraternity, took what they deemed as necessary steps to establish their presence at Emory University. In order to fully understand the anatomy of a frat bro, they made the unanimous decision to vivisect Max Baxston, a Sig Chi brother passed out from drinking too much.
“As pre-meds, we don’t go out much. We needed to uncover the typical physiology of a fraternity douchebag to better emulate them,” explained Phi Delta Epsilon president Oman Jazera. “That’s why we used our advanced knowledge of cutting through skin and muscle to really help us here.”
They performed the vivisection in a biology lab classroom at the 1462 Clifton Road Building. During the operation, several faculty members wandered in and expressed their shock at the scene. In response, the entire exec board in unison, “Don’t worry, I’m an almost-doctor.”
The vivisection led to interesting findings:
- Baxston’s biceps, pectorals, and abdominal muscles were all well developed, but his calf and thigh muscles were highly underdeveloped—indicating that he has ignored leg day since 2008.
- An analysis of his stomach fluids included a mix of Natty Light and chewing tobacco that he apparently thought tasted better when swallowed.
- His blood-alcohol concentration refused to go lower than a 0.92. Even when he should have been totally sober, his body begin producing ethanol in order to “never stop the party.”
- Only one lung was identified, and was covered in tobacco residue. The other was found shriveled up, resting on Baxston’s oversized liver.
- On his left gluteus maximus, there was a faded brand still etched into the burnt skin. It read “Bitch.” Based on known skin healing timelines, the branding is from 2014, when Baxston first joined Sig Chi.
- Baxston’s brain seemed to have shed its cerebrum, leaving only the components necessary for living and responding to primitive impulses.
“After this comprehensive analysis, we have decided to not follow the path of the typical fraternity, like Sig Chi, which could result in being removed from campus. Instead, we will model ourselves after SigEp,” explained Jazera.
When asked if he understands that such a choice would mean Phi Delta Epsilon members would have to make a tough future choice in regard to housing–either becoming a part of ResLife or sharing a house with an even worse fraternity–Jazera replied, “The vivisection proved that this decision is our only option. We accept the consequences, no matter how bad they may be.”
Jazera clarified that the vivisection is a very dangerous process, in which death is a common outcome. At multiple points during the procedure, students were concerned that Baxston had passed, but their worries were alleviated when he would scratch his balls and mutter a slur. Such movements indicated that Baxston was both alive and still a fraternity asshole. The subject has since been returned to the Sigma Chi house after a protein shake was administered intravenously.