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Spoke seeks to disrupt media landscape, not cater to sissies

The editorial represents the majority opinion of the sentient content-generating robots that comprise The Spoke’s Editorial Board and definitely has no relation to an article posted by The Emory Wheel.

It shouldn’t surprise you that The Spoke is a storied institution with its fair share of critics, all of whom are total wusses who don’t understand that all journalism, barring the crime report, should be aggressively mediocre except when needlessly controversial, poorly-thought-out, over-thesaurused, or just plain self-indulgent.

However, our first and foremost obligation is to our loyal corporate sponsors, Pumpkin Spice B Condoms. Our second priority is the bond we hold with our readers: the freshmen who are currently reading this while on the toilet after trying to find information regarding the Emory Spokes Council. It is our responsibility to accurately inform them about university events no one cares about and and to dissuade them from attending student productions in order to convince ourselves that we are a respected journalistic outlet with insight that should be taken with gravity.

One of our core tenets as an institutional stronghold is Integrity, the Puritan-cosplay stripper we hired for our 40th anniversary celebration. A sage woman, she once told us “snitches get stitches,” so now we tip our strippers properly in order to support the local economy.    

A reader’s perception of our pieces is a reflection of their status on this campus. If you feel victimized by one of our pieces, good. We meant to do that, ya B-school snowflakes.

The one constant in our lives is dissent, and there will always be conflict between the people who give a fuck and us, the people who sincerely don’t. We must recognize that our collective humanity is motivated by different forces and that we exist not to perpetuate the echo chamber wormhole Al Gore made when he invented the Internet.

But that does not mean that The Spoke should give anyone a break (unless there is some sort of financial incentive or free chai in it for us) and stop reporting. The Spoke should not cater to losers’ virginities and not make a dick joke. When a local weekly newspaper posts some bullshit article trying to defend their yellow journalism, we refuse to let their half-hearted attempts at legitimacy off the hook and withhold criticism.

There is no establishment or media conglomerate that has made as few missteps as ourselves. We don’t give a rat’s ass about accuracy, transparency, or ethics in games journalism. We’re sorry that everyone’s jealous of us, but we can’t help it that we’re so popular. So instead of whining about that one time we “allegedly” stated that your fraternity does blow on the regs, we desperately urge any member of the greater Eagle Row community who takes issue with our muckraking to write a strongly-worded letter to your local congressman and help create some actual change in this Godforsaken world we dwell in.

The sentient content-generating monkeys all believe that their spirit animal is Felicity from the early 2000s WB show, Felicity. In their humble opinion, matcha lattes are totes overrated and have now moved onto turmeric lattes. Their plan is to overexaggerate what an integral role they play in the greater-Druid Hills journalism scene in their resumes, bios, and cover letters while also trying to be slightly-witty yet relatable and self-referential about it, to mixed results.

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