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Gluten-Free Students Can’t Pass Over “Passover Diet”


Image from FunTier

After interviewing gluten-free students, sources report gluten-free eaters being “totally pissed off” at the Passover diet fad. Jewish students around the campus are following the dietary rules of Passover this week, forgoing bread for matzah: a flourless, souless alternative.

The week begins with a Passover Seder, or pesach, which basically is just a Jewish excuse to get the phlegm out of your throat while speaking.

Sophomore Jordana Rhodes complains, “It’s like they’re copying us and just giving it a new name. I swear it’s dietary plagiarism. We were anal about our food first.”

Insiders report that the interviewees decided to go gluten-free because it’s a healthier alternative to “gluten-contaminated” food. When asked about celiac, most interviewees responded by asking if that was a new type of nail polish.

Students reported being annoyed at the increase in demand at the salad bar and the “avoiding gluten” station at the DUC. Gluten-free eaters have been banding together to fend off the “Passover diet” students, following trails of matzah crumbs to find the imposters.

When asked if he knew why Judaism demanded that one eat differently at this time of year, freshman John Dillard said, “My one Jewish friend mentioned something to do with his people suffering. As if I don’t know suffering—I eat gluten-free!” He proceeded to go on a rant about some processed food tyranny and the oppression of gluten-free eaters.

At press time, sources reported that the interviewees were probably over-dramatic and fatigued due to decline in antioxidants and immune function caused by a gluten deficiency.

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