Last night at the Annual Office of Spiritual and Religious Life Exam Study Break Breakfast, Mark Wright allegedly found the face of Jesus Christ in a pancake served at Glenn Memorial United Methodist Church.
“It’s me,” Mark Wright allegedly whispered under his breath.
“IT’S ME,” he proclaimed again, this time at an inappropriate volume. He slowly raised his pancake into the air. Resembling the classic Lion King Simba-Rafiki pose, he admiringly held his pancake up for all to see the face of Jesus in his pancake.
People near him at the Interfaith Pancake Dinner circled around him in awe.
“I am the Messiah,” Mark said, “I must go. I have so much to do.”
Mark swiftly tossed his pancake to the table, using the frisbee technique he had perfected over the years of college procrastination. He ran out of the church to until he reached the benches in front of the Woodruff Library.
As he ran across campus, Mark shed his earthly garments in favor of a robe, sandals, and a hastily picked up walking stick. He also lost his socks in his transfer from loafers to sandals. He didn’t question it; he accepted it.
And then Mark spoke, with staff in hand: “Listen all: I am the Messiah. God spoke to me today through a pancake. He has taught me the divine truth, and I am here to share it with you. Follow me, and you will be saved.”
The people were amazed at his teaching, because he taught them as one who had authority. The witnesses gathered by the dozens and expanded to the hundreds, all deserting their backpacks and textbooks to follow the Messiah in their midst.
Mark rapidly gained a dedicated following. Many students gathered to see who could possibly be disrupting their studies, until they released who was in their presence. Mark’s followers’ numbers increased exponentially to somewhere between 4000 and 5000, depending on who was counting.
“I knew 2016 couldn’t have been so terrible for no reason. It all makes sense now,” said Turner Green, one of the inspired viewers of this divine encounter.
“He spoke so vaguely and confidently. I knew it was true. He is the Messiah,” Paula Richards said as she expressed her newfound faith.
“It’s great timing, right before finals and all. I knew I was going to be so stressed studying all week, but now I don’t have to! Salvation is here. These test grades don’t matter anymore,” an ecstatic Chad Michaels exclaimed as he threw his textbook at a tree.
“I just don’t get the hype,” David Cohen, local Jew, said.
Mark, followed by his disciples, marched into the Woodruff Library. One supporter got on his hands and knees while two others took Mark’s hands as he stepped on the back of his disciple and onto the table.
“Attention all: I know the divine truth. God came to me in the form of a pancake. Follow me, and you will be blessed by the Lord.”
Mark was then dragged out of the Woodruff Library by library security, who apparently have a fascist no-Messiah policy during finals week. Mark did not see this as a stumbling block, but rather as an opportunity, as any good Messiah would.
Mark took off running again, because walking is obviously for the non-divine. He ran back to the Interfaith Pancake Dinner, where people were finishing up their meals.
“No. It can’t be,” Mark said in dismay.
There lie the remains of his sacred pancake, half eaten, and drenched in sticky maple syrup. Mark wept as he caressed the pancake against his face, muttering unintelligible words. He felt as if those bites of pancake had been given for him and for the many for the forgiveness of finals.
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At press time, Mark the Pancake Seer and all his followers reportedly failed their finals because they were worshiping divine breakfast foods, such as Cheerios and toast, instead of studying.
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