Dobbs Hall- The occupants of Dobbs Hall have become increasingly irritated following several nightly sessions of Bible study and worship by fellow hall-mate Jedediah Thomas and his Sister-in-Christ Ruth Hamlin. Bible study sessions have increased in volume and frequency since Jedediah recently asked Ruth’s father for permission to begin courting her.
“I don’t know man, it has been hard to ignore” said fellow resident Charles Lynn. “Every night Ruth shows up in her ankle-length dress with a Bible in hand and the next thing I know all I hear is them shouting ‘Oh GOD! Touch me!’ It gets really hard to do homework with them praising the Lord that fervently.”
Residents have found no solace in their resident advisors, who meet their complaints with hungover faces and the reminder to “play nice so that Daddy can get that residence life check.” When sought out for comment, Jeb and Ruth were surprised at the reaction of their peers.
“I know the walls are thin, but that is no reason not to become intimate in the love abundant in Christ,” said Ruth. “Sure I spend a lot of time ululating on my knees, but college is a time to become closer to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Those heathens probably make more noise after a sinful night of drinking.”
Ruth went on to say that their Bible studies worked hard to establish an inclusive environment, often including group prayers that in rare occasions culminated in the participants speaking in tongues or writhing in pleasure following visions of heaven with the Lord.
“I like to say that we have our own ‘burning bush’ of sorts when we do our Bible studies,” remarked Jebediah. “God just sends us signs, whether it is when we handle serpents or discuss the heathen treachery of the two-piece bathing suit. ”
“Jesus himself said ‘Come unto me’” added Jebediah, putting a supportive hand onto Ruth’s shoulder. “I think people of this hall are just jealous of our blessed relationship.”
“That or they are just looking for some way to get us back for all the loud sex we have on weekends.”
Be First to Comment