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Crime Report April 25, 2017

On April 15 at 1:09 a.m., EPD responded to a call regarding a non-forcible entry burglary on the first floor of Alabama Hall. An Emory student told officers that someone…

Emory Wheel Catfishes Prospective Students

Despite the comforting fantasy of finally ditching your hometown newspaper for a collegiate publication with thoughtful pieces from unique students and quirky professors, the modern college journalism experience boils down…

SGA Political Outsider Overtakes Establishment Woman Rocked by Scandal

The Gurbani Singh SGA presidential campaign was rocked by scandal yesterday as it was revealed that her running mate Natasha Armstrong knowingly plagiarized large sections of the Singh’s 2016 VP…

Enterprising Business School Student Unknowingly Becomes Pimp

According to sources at the Goizueta Business School, Lindsey Ackerson was shocked to discover that her new startup mobile app “eBae” was being used for prostitution. Ackerson sat down with…

Apocalyptic Paradox: Every Premed “Not Like Other Premeds”

Experts are reporting today that the Earth faces possible annihilation from a paradox in which every premed student simultaneously claims that they are “not like other premeds.” This latest threat…

Best RA Ever? This Guy Bought His Residents Beer!

When Robert Greenfield took on the job of resident advisor in Complex Hall, he knew he had his work cut out for him making his residents’ first year at Emory…

Crime Report 11.8.16

Crime Report 11.8.16 On November 3 at 9:30 PM, EPD responded to reports of marijuana use at Dobbs Hall. Upon arrival, EPD was informed by students that marijuana is just…

Review: The Emory Wheel Gets a Flat Tire

Sadly, it is the arts and entertainment section that disappoints most this season.

Metamorphosis 2: Electric Bugaloo

When Randy Griffith awoke one morning from troubled dreams, he found himself transformed into a monstrous cockroach in his extra-long twin bed. He lay on his armour-hard back and saw,…

Total Pervert Old Enough to be Her RA for Crissake

According to sources in Longstreet-Means Hall, Jennifer Steele’s new serious boyfriend Jonathan Baxter is a senior, holy shit. Jonathan, who intends to work at Deloitte next year, because good Lord…

Emory Integrity Project Brings YouTube Comment Section to Life

Following the strategic placement of chalkboards across campus, the Emory Integrity Project has accomplished its goal of bringing the YouTube comment section to life for students across campus. Following the…

“I Am Basically Scarface”- A Commentary by the Freshman with Four Beers

Welcome to my room, my fellow first-years! Take a moment to admire my exquisite art collection- do you like it? I purchased these lovely works from the poster sale last…

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