There are certain faux pas from which one cannot hope to recover. We know these rules: don’t talk politics at dinner. Don’t send texts while in conversation. Don’t drop-kick your neighbor’s Shih Tzu across their lawn.
But there is one gaffe so egregious, so unforgivable, that it trumps all others: do not wear your new clothes from the holidays as a full outfit on the first day of school. It is this agreement that keeps our society in order. That agreement has been broken.
Sydney Green [26C] was, to all outside observers, a normal student. She had plenty of friends. She got good grades. But all that changed the moment Sydney entered class in an unfamiliar outfit. Her jeans were from The Gap and her sweater was also from The Gap. Dearest reader, Sydney Green had never before been seen in either of these articles of clothing. I can barely type these words without barfing all over my computer.
Naturally, pandemonium ensued. We spoke to witness – nay, victim – Jonah Cole [27C] to get the full story. Cole had large bags under his eyes and kept twitching throughout our conversation, evidence of a mind destroyed.
“It just hurts because I thought I knew Sydney. Good old reliable, blue-sweater-wearing Sydney. But this – this was an entirely different sweater. I mean, yes, it was also blue, but, like, a slightly darker blue? And that just made me think, what else has changed? Is this even Sydney anymore?”
BLORFG!
Sorry. I just yakked all over the monitor. This is nauseating stuff, folks.
Another witness, Bella Newman [25C], has been dealing with her pain and anger by advocating for fashion courtesy.
“It’s so messed up,” said Newman in a video posted to her Instagram story. “Everyone knows you have to phase it in. Me, I wore just one new sock on the first day of class. That’s called being a decent human being. Now, I never met Sydney before, but I could tell just by looking at her that that was a new sweater and a new pair of jeans. I could just imagine her opening it up on Christmas morning all like, ‘Oh wow, this is perfect, thanks Mom I’ll really get so much use out of this!’ Pathetic.”
The day after the travesty, Dr. Harold Drew of the Anthropology Department canceled class for the rest of the semester. An excerpt of the email he sent to students is included below.
“Seeing students act so flagrantly in violation of everything we as human beings hold dear has shaken me to my core. I have been forced to reckon with the fact that the study of human cultures and societies must be pointless if this is what so-called ‘people’ will do with their free will. I have decided to leave academia behind to live with the bonobos, hoping they will accept me as one of their own. Ooh ooh aah aah (That is monkey for ‘farewell’).”
Fortunately for all of us, the perpetrator has been arrested and will be tried for crimes against humanity, for which she will face five to thirty years in prison. May her judgment before judge, jury, and her God be swift and merciless.
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