In a groundbreaking move that has left economists scratching their heads and students wanting to tear out their hair, Emory’s financial aid department has proudly announced its adoption of the revolutionary “Girl Math” algorithm to determine financial aid packages for its students. In a summer marked by skyrocketing expenses, from fluorescent pink Barbie movie premiere outfits to splurging on Taylor Swift tickets, the financial aid department seems to have cracked the code to justify extravagant spending.
Gone are the days of 100% demonstrated need being met – these Tik-Tok fueled formulas bring the explanations behind aid packages to new heights of obfuscation.
Reports of the first batch of “Girl Math” financial aid packages have started to trickle in, and students are already in disbelief of their new awards: “I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw my financial aid package,” exclaimed Natalie Rushman (25C). “They cut my award in half because I’m a double major, meaning I’m actually getting two for the price of one. What the actual fuck?”
A senior hoping to go on a research trip to Savannah with his lab reached out to the department to see if it would be covered under his scholarship – but the illustrious GirlMath formula would not allow it. “Under our new policy, the trip is basically free,” explained the advisor over the phone. When pressed, she explained that “four days in Savannah is cheaper than going to the Galapagos but is just as fun. (The student protested here, but the cheery assistant would not be deterred.) “So, you’re actually SAVING money because of… opportunity costs.”
The office has also used GirlMath to justify some outrageous administration purchases as well. President Fenves justified Carmel’s new, navy crocodile Birkin (with gold hardware, obviously) as an absolute steal because “If you break it up into cost per student, it’s only about 5 dollars per person. If we want to be back in the top 20, we need to look like it,” he explained.
There are some benefits to the new policy, however. First years appreciate the new EmoryU Return Policy, which states that if inevitably miserable students decide to transfer, they’ve basically kept the tag on and will be eligible for a full return, no tuition required.
After a string of complaints, the Department of Financial Aid offered this short statement: “GirlMath” dares to defy conventional number-crunching as we aim to make financial aid awards as direct and straightforward as women themselves.”
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