Emory Prepares for Next Snowstorm, Purchases Spoon
Amid growing reports predicting a second snowstorm this week the Emory Administration has announced they are taking extra precautions and have purchased an emergency snowspoon.
Feeling pressured by the state of Georgia’s emergency weather warning, the administration also discussed the potential investment in a salt shaker. This idea, however, was swiftly shut down, as the shakers were all needed for their Tapas Tuesday.
“Two weeks ago, we were caught off guard by a snowstorm that was suddenly predicted to come three weeks ago,” James Wagner told reporters via Skype from his castle’s sauna, “However, I can assure the Emory Community that we will not be caught spoonless a second time.”
Some skeptics have questioned the wisdom of investing all of Emory’s $500,000 emergency relief fund in a spoon, as opposed to a shovel or even a ladle, but the administration is confident they took the right measures to protect the sacred five-day-work-week in the future.
“This spoon is made out of 5 inches of FDA approved stainless steel, very hard to bend, and unlike some shovels, you can see your face in it,” Director of Environment Safety Ms. Olinger assured reporters, “With so many pros and virtually no cons, it’s obvious why this spoon cost 500k.”
Despite these remarks, scandal continued to surround the spoon proposal when a student breakfaster claimed to have seen President Wagner leaving the DUC with a spoon earlier this morning.
“At first, I didn’t really think much of it,” says the anonymous witness, “but then I remember seeing him steal a DUC tray two days before the last snow storm and put two and two together.”
Students’ reactions to the Super Winter Storm Mega Pax is mixed. Some students hope the measures taken by the administration will be enough to prevent another 48 hours of listening to their roommate playing Timber on repeat. Others are still hungover from the last snow days, praying this spoon will save them.
“Last snow day, I ate my shoe. I mean, I fried it first, but it was still pretty shoey,” Freshman Nathaniel Freedman said outside of his dorm room today.
“Shit! There’s a storm?! Nate get some CVS pizza when you’re out!” Nathaniel’s roommate screamed from within.
As the University prepares for icy roads and dangerous conditions, Emory students were spotted at Kroger making one final beer run.