Emory ecstatic to be included among Ivies following news of illegal collusion

The New York Times and Wall Street Journal  reported on Monday  that a lawsuit was filed accusing Emory, alongside 15 other top-tier institutions, of illegally colluding to limit student financial aid for the past 18 years. We here at the Spoke are disappointed our satirists did not come up with this headline before reality did, yet nevertheless we set out to interview leading Emory administrators to hear their reactions to this breaking news.

 

Emory has been trying so hard to be seen as equals alongside top-ranked schools like Columbia and Dartmouth, so for some administrators, the scandal comes as great news. “I’m a little disappointed we didn’t make the big bold headline like Yale and Georgetown, but it’s still super cool to be in an article with such incredible universities,” announced University President Gregory L. Fenves from his Lullwater mansion. “We saw what Harvard was doing with its affirmative-action scandal and were inspired to create a little something of our own.”

 

When asked how this collusion fit in with Emory’s 2036 mantra, Fenves smiled. “We weren’t kidding when we said ‘the future starts now.’ Emory is always on the cutting edge of innovation, and our innovation in cutting access to our financial aid packages is no exception.”

 

John Leech, Associate Vice Provost of University Financial Aid, shared Fenves’ enthusiastic sentiments. “This actually has been a little project of ours for a couple decades,” he said. “It took a lot of hard work scamming those poor kids, but I’m so glad to see our efforts paid off big time. These schools are truly the elite of the elite, so being invited to those conference calls- price fixing together with big dogs like MIT — I mean, these are U.S. News Top 20s we’re talking about here!”

 

When asked if he felt any guilt for being a part of an illegal scheme which robbed millions of dollars from 170,000+ undergraduates, Leech shook his head. “We needed a lot of cash for that 2036 EPCOT Ball last semester, so how would we have the money to pay for all that aid?” Leech said before taking a sip from his glass of Coca-Cola. There’s a reason we charged full tuition for those Zoom classes, you know, and I wasn’t named Leech for nothing!”