Ty Dolla $ign Pities “€mory,” Offers to Perform at Full Price

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Image from iHeart News

Since Migos-gate came to light, the general public has wanted to know: who will perform at the the Dooley’s week concert? Luckily, Ty Dolla $ign, rapper and 2017 Kids’ Choice Award Winner,  has stepped up to the plate. Mr. $ign was sympathetic to the situation the Emory student body faced. “Not getting to see a free concert is one of the worst things I can imagine, so I felt for the $tudent$. I mean, because of this whole $tuation, they might not get the drunken mess of a concert they were expecting while attending a top-tier university.”

And so Ty Dolla $ign has graciously offered to come to Emory for his standard booking fee, paid in full in cash the night of the show. “Normally, I would never perform at Emory–I wouldn’t  be caught dead there. But’s for a good cause. That’s why I offered to perform for a huge amount of money.” This charitable act is surprising coming from the artist who has said in one of his songs, “Watch us eat a bear alive and, ooh this feels so good to keep it true.”

The Student Programming Council knew that whatever artist they chose would be compared to, and would ultimately fall short of, Migos. For this reason, they described the Artist Formerly Known as $ as “Quiver, with the talent of the other two Amigos combined.”

So far, the marketing strategy has been successful. Josh Dishine, a sophomore, explained his state of hyped-ness, “I really like concerts. I mean, it’s not like I cared about who was coming. I just want an excuse to get drunk at a school-sponsored event.”

The English Department has expressed opposing sentiments and plans to protest the event. Christine Champlain, a senior lecturer in the department, said, “Does he not understand the severity of having an ‘s’ replaced by a dollar sign in the phrase ‘dollar sign’? Misleading with punctuation like that is just as morally wrong as it is grammatically incorrect, and I cannot condone it.”

Business school professors and students are rejoicing at the choice. Everyone that we contacted for comments from Goizueta Business School replied in the same way: muttering “money” to themselves over and over and chuckling menacingly.

One of Dooley’s bodyguards reached out to The Spoke to make a statement on Lord Dooley’s behalf. “Mere mortals, you all worship me for a week of the year just to get an extra 75 minutes of free time. Why do you think I would care about the artist for a concert at the very end of my week, especially when you never take my suggestion of getting Tony Bennett seriously?”

At press time, Ty Dolla $ign was offering to change Dooley’s name to D%ley for an additional $100,000, saying “This whole $chool needs to punctuate. That’s where things are at these days. Do you think I could get $ome $lippery $paghetti now?”

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