It’s happened to all of us. You’re having a mundane conversation with a peer and suddenly they give you some quizzical look at the mention of a one million dollar bill, or vacationing in space, or hunting man for sport. One awkward moment can make one thing abundantly clear: you are now consorting with a poor. How fascinating! Conversing with poors can actually be quite delightful, but it’s important to know the Do’s and Don’ts of poor culture; here are a few hot tips to get you started.
Keep your cool!
So college is your first and last time interacting with anyone less rich than you. It may be difficult to resist this one time opportunity, but try not to rub your hands all over their face to feel what poor person skin feels like. You should also try not to cry out that you’ve spotted a poor to any passerby. If you truly feel that you can not resist the temptation, gently take two fingers across their face, like you would if you were petting a hamster.
Be relatable!
Many people may falsely presume that because money means literally nothing to you, you might be living in a ‘bubble.’ One way you can let a poor know that you are just like them is to make small adjustments to your conversation topics. For example, don’t say, “Don’t you hate it when the butler doesn’t wipe your sniffly little nose fast enough so you have to use the bills in your pocket that you were going to use to buy another private jet instead?” Instead, say something like, “Don’t you hate it when the butler doesn’t wipe your sniffly little nose fast enough so you have to use the loose change in your pocket that you were going to use to buy dirt and worms instead?” Wow! See how a few subtle changes can really turn a conversation around?
Don’t mention that you play lacrosse
The fine sport of lacrosse for some reason upsets the poors. My extensive research into the real lives of the much, much less fortunate (conducted by reading historical texts like The Boxcar Children and watching Aladdin) have led me to the conclusion that poors must have some sort of dark mythology surrounding lacrosse – the type of stories they probably tell as they heat up a single can of beans around a fire or something. Other topics to steer clear of include: country clubs, the Tide laundry service, and cloning Grandfather.
Be thoughtful
When someone shows that they are in desperate, desperate need of assistance (they actually pay taxes, their parents are not related at all, etc.), offer help! But don’t condescend. It’s important for the poor to feel like they’ve earned their money. A great way to walk this line is to always carry a tiny hat and cymbals so that, should the need arise, you can give them to the poor and gather a crowd around to chant “Dance monkey! Dance! DANCE!” The stinky dirty poor will feel respected and grateful – the perfect tactful response.
Don’t assume!
There are a lot of preconceived notions that you might have about poors. Think before you act! Don’t spray air freshener all over the poor when you first see them; my research has shown that, while rare, there are some poors who are not stinky dirty messy poors at all. Give them a nice sniff! If you decide they’re too stinky after a thorough investigation, spritz away.
By following these simple rules, you’ll find that your interactions with others will take a turn for the better. The poor is sure to want to become your best friend! Which you wouldn’t want for obvious reasons, but nevertheless.
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