The Emory Spoke received news of an incident that occurred in an on-campus bathroom late last night. While in an adjacent stall, an anonymous witness claimed to hear a clear violation of the Emory Crisis Helpline.
“I was just trying to take a dump when I hear the bathroom door bust open,” the witness reported. “This guy speedwalks to the stall next to me and 30 seconds later, I hear it. This kid is jerking the gherkin. Doing the five knuckle shuffle. But then it gets worse. While one hand is polishing the family jewels, I hear the other one hastily dialing a phone number.”
The witness then reported to having heard the faint sound of “Emory Crisis Helpline” on the other end of the phone amid the moans from the one-man-band. The witness claimed that as soon as he heard the voice, the mystery masterbator made a “weird af” noise, cursed, and hung up the phone. The call was cross-checked with the Emory Crisis Helpline. Although none of the volunteers were able to disclose any confidential information, one Freshman volunteer’s mortified face and mumblings about someone called “Soul Patch Steve” from her freshman seminar spoke for itself.
At the Emory Spoke, we urge our community to not hold up the Emory Crisis Helpline’s phone lines for non-emergencies and to remember that not every phone number written on bathroom stalls are “for a good time.” We hope that Soul Patch Steve has realized his wrongs and that this moment will not single-handedly define his time at our esteemed university.
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