CAPS has reported an influx of students, primarily freshmen, being diagnosed with PTSD. Research quickly ruled out that the possible root cause of these cases was a frat party gone wrong seeing as they have all been on social probation since TikTok actually became cool. The only common factor reported by CAPS seems to be that each of these students were going to the popular restaurant Flying Biscuit in Toco Hills. The Spoke’s study shows that Flying Biscuit’s eccentric neighbor Mag’s is giving students severe war-like flashbacks with its suffocating crowds, seedy clientele, and overwhelming atmosphere.To delve deeper into this issue plaguing Emory students, The Spoke conducted an interview with Kathleen O’Hara, a freshman girl who suffered a tragic psychotic break after going to brunch with her father who was visiting over the weekend.
“My dad and I ubered over to Flying Biscuit, and when I got out of the car, everything went wrong.” O’Hara recounted. “I didn’t see it at first, but I smelled the thick, hanging stench of cigarette smoke. I started having a life-like hallucination of Thad from Ligma Apple Pie or whatever trying to get with me. Right before I fainted, I was able to see the sign ominously hanging above my head. It said, ‘Maggie’s…Maggie’s Neighborhood Bar and Grill’”. O’Hara told us, “All I wanted to do was take cute VSCO photos of my cute brunch, but I ended up re-living the scarring moment when I slipped off of a beer soaked table right onto a couple going at it.” At this point, O’Hara began holding back tears, “I didn’t even know there were other things in that strip mall. I had never been there in the daylight!”
It is unknown whether or not there is a cure, but get ready for those pretentious fuckers who pride themselves on not going to Mag’s to be even more unbearable.
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