A new semester, a new DILF President, and a new sense of dread every time you open up your canvas page. These new challenges have created a new market for people to bitch about their problems, but without the usual outlets. Now that stepping foot on campus is punishable by death, long gone are the days when you could just complain to your friends in person about the lack of emotional commitment from the three frat brothers you’re hooking up with.
That’s where Emory Unmasked comes in.
Emory has managed to find the one mental health resource less effective than CAPS, and it’s spreading like wildfire. In the anonymous social media forum moderated by other Emory students, you can freely get all your deepest insecurities and secrets off your chest. Everyone knows that social media is the best thing for mental health, so it only makes sense that if your mental health is bad, you should get more social media.
The appeal of the app is that the only people who will see these posts are other students, because it’s not like anyone worries about the opinions of their peers anyways.
When one student shared their insecurities about their body image and how being at home negatively impacts it, the moderators were quick to intervene with helpful advice. “I mean I don’t really know what it’s like to be ugly, but that sucks I guess you should just try to be better looking,” responded sophomore moderator Sarah Tonyn. Miraculously, that was the one solution that the student hadn’t tried. We spoke to them under the promise of anonymity and they shared that they had actually received countless professional modeling gigs and were now having to physically fend off suitors thanks to the help Emory Unmasked gave them.
Are your parents going through a divorce and it’s all your fault for being problematic your entire childhood? “Don’t worry, just smile” suggested one moderator, while another moderator, senior Lexie Proe shared that whenever she gets down she just goes to SoulCycle and “spins the sad away.”
With the app having infiltrated Emory students’ iPhone 11 Pro Maxes from Westchester to New Jersey, the team behind Emory Unmasked can only wait to see what impact the app will have on student’s well-being.
Until then, just remember that tragically, there are uggos, fatties and depressos out there without anyone to remind them not to be ugly, fat and depressed. Be grateful that you go to a school that cares enough about you to point out your glaring and disgusting flaws. Not everyone is so fortunate you abhorrent piece of shit <3
Be First to Comment