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Apocalyptic Paradox: Every Premed “Not Like Other Premeds”

Experts are reporting today that the Earth faces possible annihilation from a paradox in which every premed student simultaneously claims that they are “not like other premeds.” This latest threat comes close on the heels of the “I just want to help people” crisis of 2015.

“It’s really astounding,” said a team of esteemed Harvard physicists. “By all accounts, it should be impossible. How are so many of these premeds not like other premeds?”

“If things keep up, the fabric of space-time itself could be in jeopardy,” they warned.

Latest research suggests approximately four out of every five Emory premeds believe that they aren’t like other premeds, but experts warn that the number of students identifying themselves as totally unique medical school candidates is rising at an alarming rate. The situation became especially dire after medical school composite letter applications due February 1 forced applicants to analyze what made them a good fit for a career in healthcare.

“We’ve seen it all,” said a source within the Emory Pre-Health Mentoring Office. “Someone needs to tell these kids it isn’t unique to double major in humanities or work in a research lab. And Jesus Christ, if I have to read another dumb sob story about a sick family member I’ll smother your grandma myself.”

Nevertheless, there are things that we can all do to avert this crisis. Experts stated that the best thing to do is simply talk to premed friends who may be experiencing feelings of not being like other premeds.

“Having an honest conversation with a friend about how no one gives a fuck that they paid $3,000 to participate in a week-long service trip abroad that exploited poor people in need of medical care can be an important part of stopping this crisis,” said Emory researcher Dr. Jared Reedler. “Together, we can undermine the confidence of hundreds of premeds and stop this catastrophe once and for all.”

At press time, researchers still had no suggestions for handling the impending collapse of the Goizueta Business School smugness bubble.

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