In an interview today, freshman Pete Miller told Spoke reporters that he was probably going to “hit the row” later tonight. “When you party as much as I do, the row is pretty much the only place to be,” Miller told the Spoke. Proudly displaying his backwards baseball cap and tank top, Miller stated that he “can’t wait to rush. I’ve made out with like, five girls here already. Sig Chi is gonna fucking love me.”
Miller and his “squad” made it clear they were the alpha males on campus and would remain so for the foreseeable future, as they had already been invited to countless parties, pre-games, post-games and student conduct meetings.
“It’s all code with the guys at the door of the parties. Stuff like, ‘Wait, who do you know here?,’ ‘You’re becoming a problem,’ and ‘Fuck off.’ It’s all a test, you know? When you start hearing that kind of stuff, you know you’re chill. I know that, so we get in everywhere we go.”
Miller and company have meticulously planned every aspect of the night. At approximately 10:15 pm, Miller’s Few Hall room will host, in Miller’s words, “the most bomb-ass pre-game in the entire hall” with precisely 3.5 games of beer pong using the seven Keystone Lights that they have managed to acquire. The Miller squad was clear that if the ratio dips below two women per bro, chaos would ensue.
“We’re in college man, it’s time to live it up. My friends from back home at Villanova, Wash U, dude they don’t even know how hard we go down here,” announced Miller, “Once they see pictures of me with a brewski and chicks on the row, they’ll know I’m the fucking man.”
Miller, observing another student quietly walking by on his way to the library, began to lose control. “I don’t mind if you wanna chill with me, but you gotta back off.” Miller shouted at the hastily retreating body.
When asked about the inevitable poon in question, Miller’s eyes began to water as he insisted that it’s “no big deal, you just gotta know how to talk to them” and that he “lost his virginity super early.” Miller’s head slumped. “I get tons of girls, man,” Miller whispered, “I’m the man…I’m the coolest.”
At press time, sources found Miller passed out at 10:30 p.m. in front of an episode of Gossip Girl on his laptop.