Well folks, it’s that time of the year again when you have Valentine’s Day paraphernalia shoved down your throat with some chalky conversation hearts. While all may seem hopeless, the stars prevail once again in providing bullshit guidance. Your zodiac sign will tell you what on-campus cutie you will be spending your V-Day with!
Aries – No one.
Hahahahahahahahaha, better luck next year!
Taurus – DCT Desserts
Ever heard of eating your feelings? Hopefully, there is a better dessert this Friday than some cold, hard cookies. If you’re lucky maybe they will have Blondies, and the soft serve machine won’t be “broken”.
Gemini – The SAΣ Lion
Meoow! You’ll kiss anything when you’re fucked up, but the taste of a dirt covered lion is better than what those pledges have tasted.
Cancer – Sadness
Grab some wine and an online version of Mama Mia and prepare to sob like a little bitch as you think about how your fairytale romance will never be. Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! a fucking break.
Leo – Alcohol
Do you fill the void of loneliness with some white claws and strawberry lemonade Svedka? Absolutely! Are you on the verge of becoming an alcoholic? Well……..Let’s just say your Valentine’s kiss is the bathroom floor.
Virgo – Phil: 58 – Male – Marietta, Ga
Your new Seeking Arrangement lover may not be the guy of your dreams, but at least you’re not broke. Just make sure someone goes with you to your next meetup in Village.
Libra – That Hot RA
You know it would be against the rules and everything, but have you seen his quads?!! He’s a track god! I guess you’ll be having a crisis Friday night and in need of the RA on call 😉
Scorpio – The Dildo from the Dooley Statue
You may not have been the one to give Dooley a new bone, but you are the one who took it! You don’t need a man this Valentine’s day, Scorpio!
Sagittarius – Sam AKA The woman who works at Woody’s
The way the chicken tender grease shines on her hands and the gleam in her eyes when she hands your student I.D. back to your drunk ass makes you feel just some type of way. She truly is a midnight SNACK!
Capricorn – Me
Please! I beg you! I’m a Pisces, you’re a Capricorn, it’s perfect! Just…please?
Aquarius – Your Grad Student Professor
Who knew that Philosophy could be soooo sexy in a nerdy kinda way?!?! You practically moan when he asks you to volunteer, and why are you always at office hours?
Pisces – Basic White Boy
You’ve been in love with this man Brad or Nick or whatever his name is since orientation. He’s probably in ATO or Sammy, and he DEFINITELY plays club soccer. You think he is so cute and interesting, yet he looks like and has the personality of White Hall.
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