Therapy Dog Resigns After Seeing Severity of Emory Student Body’s Mental Health Issues

A dog this cute doesn't deserve your shit, Jessica.
A dog this cute doesn’t deserve your shit, Jessica.

Emory University recently gained, and lost, a new member of their psychiatric staff: Beowulf, an American Indian therapy dog.

The general community was initially very excited about the arrival of Beowulf.

“I’m always so stressed about exams, interviews, my boyfriend, my boyfriends other girlfriends, my mom, my brother, my sex life, getting off my meds, getting on new meds, it’s just really stressful right now. Petting a dog would really help.” says Hannah Flannigan.

“I miss my dog at home, Lucky, so much,” says undergraduate Sarah Hask, “I can’t wait to tell this dog all of my secrets like I did with Lucky! Lucky ran away, so hopefully Beowulf can’t!”

Faculty and staff were also excited about CAPS’s new addition.

“I’m going a rough time with my wife right now,” says Dr. Allen, “and she took the dog. So I’m excited to be able to hug the dog on campus!”

However, now that a week has passed, it’s uncertain whether Beowulf will be able to stay.

“It’s only been a week and I don’t think I can take this bullshit anymore,” barks Beowulf through her interpreter/trainer, “all y’all are fucked up. Just totally fucked.”

Beowulf is concerned about the amount of depression, anxiety, bipolar and borderline personality tendencies Emory students have displayed to her already: “Everyone here is running a ten on the crazy scale non-stop. I’m just a dog, I don’t have all the answers. I just…I need some time to recuperate.”

Beowulf’s trainer/interpreter also believes that Emory is not the right environment for her dog’s personal or professional life.

“She used to just be happy to cuddle at the end of the day and have her daily meals. Since coming to Emory, she’s so tired of people that she avoids her friends and me when she gets home and just watches Netflix before microwaving lean cuisine. She’s started sneaking chocolate repeatedly and throwing up twice every weekend.”

At press time, Beowulf told us that she accepted an offer at UCLA, “where everything’s so..chill all the time.”

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