In a bold and unprecedented move, the hospital of the 21st nationally ranked Lemory University in Sierra Leone announced this past Thursday that they will be welcoming a student from Emory University infected with Norovirus. Lemory’s announcement comes at a time when Emory is in a state of total dismay, with literally every bathroom perpetually occupied with infected students, CVS shelves completely cleared of pepto-bismol, and Netflix quality barely above 720p.
“It’s horrible,” sobbed Emory Sophomore Lauren Kaplan, who was clearly choked up behind the bathroom stall door.
“I’ve never knew that explosive diarrhea was an actual thing before I contracted Norovirus,” stated Emory Freshman Jerry Weinberg.
“OHSGGGHHNNNN,” projectile vomited sophomore Candice Lucker.
While many Sierra Leone citizens applauded Lemory’s movement as a courageous and humanitarian effort, other notable figures to took to the country’s social media outlets to publicly stand against their action.
“This is outrageous,” argued Sierra Leone Public Health Advisor Yabu Makaraday. “Why should we let the diseased Americans into our country? Just look at the uncivilized masses performing their primal dance of ‘grinding’ in putrid basements. If you ask me, they deserve everything they get.”
Others complain that Lemory University is jeopardizing national security by welcoming the diseased patient into their country, especially considering their lack of health and sanitation protocol. However, Lemory’s lead doctor, Ama Gonzola, has stated that Ebola was a “freak accident” and that he “warned Jeff not to eat that kabob.” In light of the criticism, Gonzola announced new sanitation procedures including washing hands, proper disposal of waste, and the closure of “Immaculate Kabob.”
“It’s really revolutionary stuff,” CNN’s Chief Sexy Doctor Sanjay Gupta commented from the field outside Lemory Hospital, shortly before being trampled to death by hundreds of students anxious to get a picture.
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