Do you REALLY know what’s in your Blue Donkey cup?

It’s no secret that we all love Blue Donkey. It’s the highlight of the farmers market and the lifeblood coursing through our veins each Tuesday. But what is it, exactly, that makes these flavors so unique? 

ORIGINAL

Made from the first original coffee bean. Each cup contains 0.001 grams of the oldest coffee bean discovered in 1671. Folklore indicates Blue Donkey’s addictive qualities stem from the extreme fermentation of this single coffee bean. It’s also injected with opium to make up for the mass loss each week from making the brew.

LIGHT

Take the normal amount of coffee beans and cut each bean in half. Then cut that in half again. Only 1/4th of each bean may be used.

FOUR 65

The sweat of four 65-year olds who still manage to go to the gym daily. Can out-lift 8/10 self-proclaimed frat stars. 250 microliters/8 oz. of their superior genes are pipetted under the table while you’re not paying attention. Any more than this dose will overpower the standard student. Also, supplies are limited.

S ALMOND

Despite popular opinion of this being Summer Almond, it’s actually Salmon D. This flavor is rich in vitamin D that comes from freshwater-spawned fish by adding salmon eggs. Very few foods naturally have vitamin D, so this is a real win. Alternate opinion: the D could also represent salmon dicks.

CHOCOLATE B

Chocolate bitches? Chocolate bitches. All bitches apply: bad bitches, granola bitches, fake bitches. This formula is made when bitches sit on a conveyor belt, get picked up by a giant claw, and are dipped in what they believe will be a “chocolate full-body mask” but in reality is 3 tons of slightly heated Ghirardelli. The chocolate cools, is peeled off, and collected for use. This method ensures your coffee is always 6.9% bitch.

TEAR JERKER

This brew can only be made in the presence of pure joy that comes from your orgo teacher during an exam. His radiant aura gives the drink that little kick. VIP recipes include actual tears of students during the exam, individually vialed by the professor. This formula is hidden behind a red velvet rope in a golden Yeti cooler. The password to receive this flavor is, “I’m fine.” This drink is reserved for people who have a crazy look in their eye due to obvious anti-sleep agendas.

COLD BREW

Yes, Blue Donkey does only provide students with iced coffee. This one, however, takes the low temperature to the extreme. This is the perfect flavor for if you need an excuse to be sent to the hospital. This flavor naturally is a liquid at -17°F. Post-consumption, you will have intestinal hypothermia.

OTHER

This recipe honestly varies by week because it is composed of all the extra food lying around the employee’s homes. While unpredictable week by week include half a baby carrot, 3/4th cups of flour, and canned Spaghetti O’s.

Now that you know what you’re actually ingesting, proceed with the same amount of caution you gave the jungle juice at your first frat party freshman year. 

100% Recyclable, but only if you physically bring the cup to the recycling plant most inconvenient to you. Any plants within a 420 mile radius of your home address will not accept your cup. Must be inspected by Steve who only works on Tuesdays. Recycling plant must contain a minimum of one Steve.