Listen, I hear your clamoring and your constant questions. You’re all saying, “There’s something wrong with you! What’s wrong with you?! You should get help!” I get what you mean: I’m ironically detached, I have an off-putting energy, I sleep an average of five hours a night, and I also hate babies. God, I hate babies so much. All of these attributes, stemming from my deeply rooted issues, are incredibly obvious, and I understand that everybody wants an explanation for my conduct.
However, I am sick and tired of everybody asking what is wrong with me! I do not know the root of my problems, and I outright refuse to figure it out. I know that everybody is only asking because they want some explanation for my behavior, but explanations for behavior are stupid. I would rather seem mysterious and inexplicable as I yell at food truck employees and refuse to acknowledge my classmates when they try to strike up friendly conversations with me. I like to give off a perplexing and puzzling energy as I shoplift allergy medication from the 24/7 CVS and steal other people’s drinks from the Starbucks mobile order pickup counter. When you have a bizarre vibe, you don’t need a psychological evaluation or prescription mood stabilizers! Those things are for people with understandable disorders and explicable problems.
So, I’ll say it one last time: Stop asking what is wrong with me! If you do not, I will find out whatever the antithesis of a therapist is (probably a toxic situationship) and I will utilize it to become an even worse person. I will take the opposite of a mood stabilizer (non-prescription ritalin) to make my vibe seem even more confusing. Don’t you dare ask what my problem is again, or else.
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