According to sources in Longstreet-Means Hall, Jennifer Steele’s new serious boyfriend Jonathan Baxter is a senior, holy shit. Jonathan, who intends to work at Deloitte next year, because good Lord he is old, reportedly met Jennifer at a small gathering with mutual friends.
“They clicked instantly,” recalled Jennifer’s friend Tom. “Good grief, I didn’t think he was going to rob the cradle though. I gotta say, I’m not sure why Jennifer wants to spend her freshman year dating him instead of awkwardly hooking up with the freshman studs on her hall like me and my boy Dax.”
The twenty-two year old Jonathan, who is a old enough to legally drink dammit, says he was immediately attracted to the 18-year-old Jennifer for her cute laugh and remarkable intelligence. Reports are widely circulating that, bloody hell, this dinosaur has an off-campus apartment and knows how to cook. In fact, many of Jennifer’s friends have spoken quite highly of Jonathan, especially Jennifer’s close friend Rachel, who for Pete’s sake keeps asking how she can “get ahold of some of that geriatric dick” by being set up with one of Jonathan’s senior friends.
“Oh Jonathan?” asked Rachel. “He is a total DILF. The way he knows how to work a laundry machine and knows where the closest Target it? Total turn-on.”
However, the relationship has not been without its detractors. Indeed, many have reason to doubt the long term stability of this relationship, given that Jonathan is old enough to be her RA for Crissake. For the most part, Jonathan has taken the criticism in stride.
“Jennifer and I have the relationship stability that comes with a shared passions and dreams. Nothing can diminish our love,” says probably pedophile Jonathan.
At press time, Jonathan’s friends are silently wondering why he was dating a child, Jesus H. Christ, as Jennifer defensively kisses this grown-ass man in public.