After scolding him for the fifth time today for lack of participation, it’s become abundantly clear to the rest of the Monday 11:30 Econ200 class that professor Mark Stainn is still unaware that his student Jake Blumenthal is in fact an inanimate egg wearing cool sunglasses put in Blumenthal’s place.
“First I thought maybe there was something wrong with his wifi and maybe it was a problem with the picture, but I looked a bit closer and realized ‘yeah, that’s an egg with sunglasses,’” says fellow student Jane Benson. “Everyday Dr. Stainn calls on Jake to answer some question and he never can.” Stainn is reportedly at his wit’s end to get Blumenthal to participate yet his cries land on deaf ears, mostly due to the fact that Blumenthal is devoid of ears. “The prick thinks he’s better than me,” says Stainn, referencing his student. “He never says it, nooo he’s too good for that, but I know I see a little smirk on his smooth, round face. One of these days I swear to God I’ll find this kid and scramble him. I will crack him open.” Despite Jake’s continual silence there are the occasional sounds emanating from his screen. “Sometimes the screen cuts to Jake like he’s gonna say something, but it’s usually just the sound of human Jake ripping gravity bongs in the background. Dr. Stainn gets really excited when the screen cuts to him, but then Jake never says anything, and Dr. Stainn just turns off his video and screams about being ‘in Hell’ or something.”
Blumenthal’s lack of participation on account of the fact that he is just an egg wearing a bitching pair of sunglasses is evidently something of a double-edged sword in class. Others, including TA Tracyn Bowers, remain cautiously optimistic for Jake. “Jake is shy definitely, but I haven’t met a better listener than him. He’s sitting still, and I can’t tell through those sunglasses, but I get the sense he’s staring intently, so I’m confident he’s really absorbing the material. I just think if he can find the courage to speak up he’ll really start to excel.” Bowers has allegedly reached out to the chicken gamete masquerading as a college-student, but to no avail.
Despite Dr. Stainn’s ire, some students have grown fond of Blumenthal. “The teacher thinks I’m looking at my notebook, but I’m really just doing kratom back there. Every time Stainn turns off his video to cry about ‘the pain of being alive,’ I take a sip,” says fifth year Jason Trumbley. Some students have even become smitten with Blumenthal’s stoic, off-standish behavior. “I went on a zoom date with him and it didn’t go well,” says junior Stacelyn Potemkin. “He was sooo cute and I was just too nervous to say anything. Those cool glasses, the perfect skin, I couldn’t handle it. God he’s so yoked,” she says whilst biting her lip.
The trend of replacing yourself with an effigy is a growing phenomenon in colleges across the country. Simply using a fake background of yourself has officially been labelled “boomer-tier.” “Teachers aren’t used to Covid, and online classes make things difficult for them, especially older teachers, who might not be able to tell the difference between, say, a person, and a two ounce egg wearing neat sunglasses,” says faculty advisor Jamien Slatts.
Other students are already catching on. “Really didn’t want to go to my Philosophy 110 class so I pulled a Castaway and drew a face on a volleyball. Worked like a charm,” says engineering major Ben Glant. “Chem 150’s for pussies and doctors and I’m neither, so I just took my sex doll Ashley and set her in front of the camera for me,” says junior Danielle Choppa. “I found a dead body in my roommate’s closet while he was out. A little sus honestly, but a perfect way out of my Bio 360 class,” says recently convicted felon Larn Bees. “Actually checked into that class the other day. Dr. Alexander was being really weird, and almost got the vibe he was a moldy 2×4 someone drew a crude face and moustache on, but who’s to say?”
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