On a boring day in the Spoke Sleuth offices, an especially sneaky sleuth decided to collect DNA from every upper staff member on the Emory payroll (don’t ask us how). Though he insisted on keeping these samples for personal use (concerning), our Head Spoke Sleuth made the executive decision to perform totally legal 23andMe tests on each staff member.
Besides the expected secret love child and racist ancestry, it was the results of one Greg Fenves that left us SHOCKED! While his father was not in the system, his DNA showed a high risk for noseless-ness, having a snake-like aura, and a predisposition to evil tendencies – but we already knew that. The DNA that left us gagged (the same way Fenves did when his DNA was secretly collected) was his 50% match with Professor Dolores Umbridge of Harry Potter fame.
Spoke Sleuths rushed to the papers to publish these findings. Did Fenves deserve his presidential position at Emory, or did he just get it because of his connections? Meanwhile, Fenves expressed joy at finding out about his birth mother: “I always felt a calling to punish – I mean, teach – young students. Now it all makes sense.”
Students started to slowly see the resemblance between the two educators. After all, Fenves’ wall of creepy cat plates and preference for all things pink matched the former office of Hogwarts’ High Inquisitor and Headmistress.
This new information led our Spoke Sleuths to see if extradition laws applied to estranged magical birth mothers. Could Greg be sent to Azkaban for his crimes? Sign our petition to urge the Ministry of Magic to take him in!
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