Still early in the first year of her presidency, Claire Sterk has already begun to carve out her legacy at Emory University by issuing a series of unexpected, and in some cases irrational, executive orders. For instance, one establishes that once the president has placed her order, a Kaldi’s employee then has exactly forty-five seconds to prepare her Chocolate Chai Latte, after which time said employee will be prosecuted by law students in a mock trial to the fullest extent of Emory’s law.
Indeed, these presidential edicts cover so broad a range of nonsensical topics that Emory students are nervous to see what this new president will do next. In the meantime, The Spoke has recapped five of 2017’s most important executive orders:
1. Grizzly bears will henceforth be banned from entering Lullwater Preserve.
This is the most comprehensible of all. Sterk’s animostiy for Ursus arctos has been well documented since day one of her presidency. What has never been clear is the roles these bears played in her rise to power; she denies knowledge of their hacking the election, but all the trustees seem to recall voting against her…
2. A wall will be built around campus to prevent unadmitted students from sneaking into classes their admitted peers are skipping and/or sleeping through.
In order to reinforce the heightened sense of individual superiority private college students pay so dearly for, Sterk announced plans to wall off Emory’s campus from its vulgar suburban surroundings. What were previously hand-sanitizer stations will be converted to to hand out gold star stickers to further inflate the student body’s already bursting sense of self worth.
3. Table Talk couches will be upgraded to T-1000 spec, making them capable of seizing and restraining students for as long as it takes them to have a civil conversation.
These military-grade couches will be capable of fifteen different martial arts, running at speeds of up to thirty miles an hour, and are equipped with lassos to ensnare students and draw them in for a pleasant chat with a stranger. Way to think it through, Emory. If we have to intrude on strangers with the petty details of our lives all around campus, what are we supposed to do in the library?
4. Monday is opposite day!
The president’s young-at-heart nature shone through here. Sources reported Sterk jumping up and down on the conference table while gleefully shrieking, “Monday’s will be opposite day, and we’ll have soda in the water fountains, and cake! Cake, cake, cake!”
5. Student health services will be entirely defunded.
President Sterk cut all funding for what she disdainfully referred to as “WagnerCare”, insinuating that Emory students ought to be more self-reliant. Additionally, student mail services will move into that space at the top of four thousand stairs to encourage a “go-getter attitude” on campus. After banging out this piece of legislation, President Sterk reportedly spent a moment hankering for the good old days when men were men.
At press time, President Sterk was explaining to her baffled generals the logistics of the trade war she wished to wage against DeKalb County.