Too Hot: Zumba Literally Starts a Fire
Sources report a fire broke out around 6:00pm on the second floor of the WoodPEC during a weekly Zumba class this Monday. Officials say this was a standard electrical fire, but we have reason to believe this was an inside job.
“Every Monday and Wednesday, the instructor devotes herself to truly making the class interactive and enjoyable. I come every week, but I’ve never seen any pyrotechnical difficulties,” explained Karen Michaelson as she defended her notably flawless Zumba instructor.
Our undercover investigators in the Zumba class reported that the instructor really spiced up the choreography for that session, including but not limited to twerking, chest popping, and accentuated hip movements. The instructor then added literal fire to the routine, and pretended it was a mistake upon discovering she was not a natural fire-bender.
“Honestly, I’m surprised it happened at the zumba class and not at the hip hop fuego class that happens on Tuesdays and Thursdays…” said a confused Anne Gorbold, a regular group-fitness-class-goer.
Another circulating theory is that the instructor may have sought to increase interest in the class through arson. Our detectives suspected that God knew the instructor’s intentions to one day incorporate fire into her routine and used the fire as an omen. God wished to show his approval of the exercise-dance combination through a modern-day burning bush, or in this case, a burning plugged-in fan.
“It was lit bruh,” reported Chad Bentley, local frat star, as he retreated to his hiding spot where he watched the girls dance. It was a considerably shorter distance than what’s typically considered “subtle.”
While interviewing the instructor, she hinted that she might include “Uptown Funk” by Bruno Mars in her next playlist. She hoped the lyrics, “I’m too hot (hot damn), call the police and a fireman” would serve as a reminder of how to act if something were to “spontaneously” catch on fire again.
This article will be updated as more information becomes available. Zumba classes have temporarily been moved to the WoodPEC pool in the event of another flaming hot routine.
Trust no one.