Kappa Sigma Appeals to Fenves: “Let us do coke and be bad guys freely.”

In a shocking letter, the Defense of the Underage Collegiate and Honorably Educated (DOUCHE) petitioned Emory’s president Greg Fenves that the Kappa Sigma Fraternity chapter did not violate the open expression policy for being “generally bad guys and asshole-y.”

DOUCHE is a nonprofit organization that defends fraternity individuals’ rights related to the constitutional right allowing young men to “kinda do whatever they want like whenever with little to no consequences for the things they say or actions they take or the people they are.”

DOUCHE’s legal team came to the defense of the Kappa Sigma fraternity brothers after a formal complaint was filed through OSFL. Said Dershowitz, an attorney for DOUCHE,  “It is an unjust, unconstitutional indictment of the American experiment that 65 slimeball, twenty-year-olds are not able to haze the everloving shit out of very impressionable eighteen-year-olds.” Dershowitz continued, “This is the worst infringement on free speech by Emory’s administration in the past year. Nothing has come close to this sort of attack on the right of college students to exercise their First Amendment on campus in recent memory. And by recent memory, I mean everything from now until last April around this time of year. And by this time of year I mean around the week of the ~21st of April of last year when not one infringement on college students’ rights has occured. Thank God a law firm such as DOUCHE can protect issues that actually matter on this campus.”

The Emory Spoke can report that the administration is scrambling to reach a settlement with DOUCHE. Complaints from Kappa Sigma alumni are being heard loud and clear by the administration, with one Kappa Sigma alum, Trent S. Keeze (17B), saying, “If we can’t force a young teenage boy to drink 2 gallons of molasses and Everclear and then run a half marathon, what will this country become?” The administration will settle with the Kappa Sigma chapter by lifting the social probation ban after hearing the $2.036 billion endowment goal may be in jeopardy in the next 10 years.