Resurrected John Emory Won’t Shut Up about Domino’s Delivery
Much to the annoyance of the thirty scientists who spent the past forty years attempting to reanimate him, John Emory will only talk about Domino’s pizza delivery and won’t shut up about how they stole his idea. When Emory revealed last week that a secret, four billion dollar program to resurrect John Emory was a success, it shocked the world. However, whatever wisdom Emory hoped to glean from their 180-year-old founder will have to wait while he finds a way to sue Dominos. Yesterday, John Emory gave a press interview in the Schwartz Center. Dressed in his old pantaloons, cravat, and tailcoat, he quickly waved off questions related to his historical life to address his grievance with the pizza company.
“The crazy thing is, Domino’s Delivery was my fucking idea”, John Emory told the reporters, “I even filed a patent, but the clerk just laughed at me. Here, check it out.”
Emory then unfurled his patent, a lengthy scroll that included drawings of “tomato breadballs”, an invention of Emory’s that he claims Dominos directly copied for their pizzas.
After several members of the press pointed out that pizza delivery is not copyrighted by Dominos, and Jon Emory can start his own pizza company whenever he wanted, John Emory terminated his interview with a terse “Fuck all y’all.”
The head scientist behind John Emory’s resurrection, Dr. Steven Watts, says he is partly to blame for Emory’s obsession .
“I just presumed Emory was just a Methodist preacher, but apparently he was also a passionate cook and businessman,” Dr. Watts said. “Had I done more historical research, I would not have ordered that large Hawaiian deep dish with cinnastix and two-liter Coke.”