Anthony Weiner Wins RHA Presidency As Write-In After Every Other Candidate Found Cheating

Meet your new RHA president
Meet your new RHA president

Emory’s latest RHA president and last bastion of morality

Anthony Weiner, the former U.S. Representative for New York’s 9th congressional district, has been named the next Residence Hall Association president by the SGA Constitutional Council after winning the election as a write-in candidate. The SGA Constitutional Council found every other candidate to be in blatant violation of campaign rules and consequently disqualified them.

Entering the race for RHA president, Weiner, a widely renowned genital photographer, was considered to be the clear underdog. Still, his reputation remained sterling as each of his competitors, in turn, were caught egregiously violating campaign restrictions.

“They had, in clear violation of the rules, uttered the words ‘social’ and ‘media’ at some point during the election process,” said SGA Constitutional Council representative and college junior Sam Lyons.

“Typical politicians,” he continued. “They took this maneuver straight out of Nixon’s playbook.”

Weiner, entered onto the online ballot as “antony weiner,” received only one vote, but found support in the hearts of the SGA Constitutional Council. Although he disgracefully resigned from Congress in 2011 after sending obscene photographs of his genitalia to multiple women via Twitter, the SGA Constitutional Council found nothing in the RHA election bylaws that prohibited a candidate from tweeting pictures of his or her respective junk. The 2011 incident is respectfully remembered as “Weinergate.”

“After the dust settled, Weiner emerged as the cleanest of the bunch,” said Lyons. “You can talk all you want about his past Twitter usage, but the important thing is that he didn’t tweet any pictures of his trouser snake on election day.”

The other candidates were enraged by the decision.

“This is absolutely ridiculous,” said one candidate who spoke under the condition of anonymity. “If I had known before that tweeting pictures of my more than adequate pork pistol was allowed under RHA election laws, I would have done so in a heartbeat.”

The RHA presidency would mark Weiner’s triumphant return to politics. As of press time, Weiner hadn’t yet accepted the nomination, but several insider sources expect him to end his bid for mayor of New York City and expose himself to the people of Atlanta.

-DS

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