Our post-Covid world has seen the fall of many great establishments. Slice & Pint was an early casualty, closing during *checks notes* January 2018. Then went Romeo’s pizza, although maybe we shouldn’t mourn that one too badly. Even Rise-n-Dine’s sweet potato pancakes couldn’t save them from Emory Village’s soaring rent prices that the always-empty pottery studio somehow manages?
The point being, all remaining Emory restaurants have needed to formulate strategies for how they would stay open and recover the lost profits that the pandemic took from them. For Kaldi’s Coffee, the café plagued by the smell of trash wafting over from the dumpsters and the deafening train that passes through every hour on the hour, the game plan was simple: get rid of all the good food.
Operation “Get Rid of All the Good Food” was easy enough. All Kaldi’s had to do was look at their menu, and eliminate all the hits. Sweet Potato Hash? Gone. Iconic late night staple The Flatbread™? Permanently Banned. Decadent Quesadilla? Don’t even think about it.
All that was left to do was to ensure their dry pastries stayed out in front of a glass class with no cover so that patrons could see every fly that landed on their muffin immediately before consumption. After that, they just had to wait for the money to come rolling in.
Kaldi’s apathetic employees are thrilled about the change. Leonard Smith, a long time chef who failed to realize Kaldi’s being open until 2 AM meant that he would have to work until 2 AM, said “if I’m spending my Saturday night taking orders from drunk students, it better be something I can microwave. Every time one of those trust fund fucks made me fry an egg for their hash, I’d either spit on it or jack off into it. The new menu is better for everyone.”
The wannabe influencers that make up the Kaldi’s Ambassadors Cult disagree. They lament that Kaldi’s removed all the “photogenic” food, leaving them with only bagel sandwiches and black bean burritos to post, causing them to lose followers in the process. “Egg bites aren’t sexy. Walnut salads aren’t appetizing, how am I supposed to be the next Addison Rae if all I do is slang steel-cut oats all goddamn day?” complained junior Madison West. Ms. West refused to comment when asked if she knew Kaldi’s Ambassadors were ignored by all of their followers no matter what they posted.
Despite the mixed reviews, Kaldi’s strategy seems to be working on the account that you desperate fucks will buy anything if it means avoiding the DUC food even once a day, and they know you’ll pay upwards of $20 for it too.
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