Drunk Friends Meet Sober For First Time, Killing Friendship

Uh oh
Friendship time of death: 1:18 pm

Freshmen John Wiley and Eric Ashman’s friendship has met a sharp decline lately, after the two were forced to interact while sober during a 1:15 pm lunch at Cox Hall. Wiley and Ashman, a Long Island and New Jersey native respectively, recalled having the time of their lives while paired together in a game of beer pong in an unnamed fraternal residence, but even exchanging phone numbers, Facebook friend requests, and Twitter follows could not prepare them for the inevitable sober social interaction.

“Man, that pong game on Saturday was awesome,” noted Wiley.
“Haha,” he continued.

“Yeah, there were some cute girls there too” Ashman proclaimed.

Sources confirmed that these were the only words exchanged other than the occasional grunt or “gonna get a refill.”

At it’s conception, the two were sure their friendship would last forever. There were rumors of being future roommates, taking a few electives together for fun, and partying at the same top-tier greek organizations.

However, the initial spark in their friendship continues to fizzle out, as the two are currently unable to achieve even the most basic level of social interaction over lukewarm Twisted Taco.

With the two having virtually no shared interests, views, or classes together, Emory sociologist Dr. Reed Fisher predicts the now-doomed friendship lasting “another two, three weeks at best” before the two say nothing to each other except for the occasional head nod around campus.

“There’s still some hope of the friendship surviving for a little while longer” said Fisher, “but it’s going to take another two games of pong, maybe even a king’s cup round just to sustain it in the short term. Really, any alcohol consumption will fix it in the short term, but in terms of the big picture these two subjects are doomed. You could put Newt Gingrich and Chief Keef in a room and they’d have more in common than these guys. They aren’t even in the same residence hall, let alone floor. Thats where true friendships are made.”

As the socially painful lunch came to an end, both managed to exchange recognition of the others existence with a mumbled “peace out” before they returned to their separate dormitories. Sources confirmed that every passing minute now acts as a pure ontological destruction of any bond they believed to have formed.

At press time Wiley and Ashman were separately watching the latest Netflix craze, but Spoke researchers conjecture that even a brief conversation over “how awesome House of Cards is” would fail to save the rotting carcass that is their friendship.