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DeKalb County Cautions Gym Rat Infestation

DeKalb county animal control has cautioned all Emory students to avoid the WoodPEC due to a massive gym rat infestation.

“I’ve never seen this bad of an infestation at a division three school,” Sheriff Colton reports.

Animal control predicts the rat influx ensued as construction of the CLC displaced them, leading them to find shelter in their fragile self worth. In efforts to protect the Emory student body, the DeKalb county animal control department has issued safety guidelines for gym-goers. All students are warned to make gains at their own peril.

Colton explains that gym rats come in many breeds, especially with the rise of what the teens call “darty szn.” The largest reported nest of gym rats is on the fourth floor of the WoodPEC by the weights. If you encounter a gym rat there, authorities suggest an escape protocol starts by distracting the pests. A common technique is asking, “Do you even lift, bro?” at which point, the rat will be sure to prove that he can in fact lift, granting 30 seconds to escape.

After a close encounter, Karyn Lin states, “At first, I was afraid for my life. Then I questioned the rat’s ability to lift, and he suddenly seemed more afraid of bruising his already fragile masculinity than I was by his presence.” She then recounts that said rat he timidly scurried to the bench press. 

If the preceding technique does not work, Colton suggests putting a mirror in front of the gym rat and he will instinctively flex. Taking advantage of this bodily reflex will give you another chance to flee.

“At first I thought it was a myth,” Anna Devine reports post-mirror utilization, “But no, it literally started flexing every possible muscle. It was almost as if he was trying to seduce the rat in the mirror. His body was so tense that I worried he struggled with constipation and was about to shit on the WoodPEC floor.”

Dekalb County also advises students to be wary of the cardio gym rats.  The speedy pests also inhabit the fourth floor, but over by the treadmills. These rats are also stimulated by the aforementioned “darty szn,” but have also reported that they are incentivized by activity that leads to a runner’s high. These doped rats can also be found sneaking into the athletic locker rooms by the foam rollers. Official suspect that the typical gym rat will move to the treadmill because he ran out of weed, his dealer is out of town, and he is attempting to find any high he can.

Here, as long as the rat is scurrying on a piece of exercise equipment, you can escape by walking on the legitimate ground, rather than a continuous, wheel-powered belt. If you encounter a cardio rat on a track or crawling through the halls, animal control states that you are screwed.

DeKalb County is actively working to fix the infestation problem. In the meantime, remain vigilant for bro-tanks, protein shakes, and rat-sized paw prints.

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