Students in the Goizueta Business School were informed via email Monday that they had potentially come into contact with another student who was infected with tuberculosis. After hundreds of google searches such as “what is tuberculosis,” or “tuberculosis symptoms and effects,” and “it’s 2017, can people still fucking get tuberculosis??!?”, many students realized that the email they received meant that they could be in danger of death or, even worse, missing their financial accounting midterm and getting a 0.
However, this morning the believed carrier of the disease reportedly confessed that she lied when she claimed her illness was the infamous Consumption. The student wishes to remain anonymous so guys will continue to believe her when she assures them that she’s on birth control, so we will refer to her as ‘Jane Doe’ for the remainder of the article.
“I was leaving class and puked up my morning latte,” Doe told us, “and when my friend Anna asked me what was wrong, I freaked because I was TOTALLY late this month after New Year’s Eve. I just told her I was sick with the first thing that popped into my head, tuberculosis.”
Doe was allegedly leaving a lecture about infectious disease in baby bio, the only biology class she has ever taken.
“I wasn’t even listening that closely, I heard the professor say ‘tuberculosis’ in the background while I was checking my LinkedIn messages.”
Luckily for Doe, the pregnancy scare was brief. “Apparently, the latte I bought contained spoiled milk, so I’m not pregnant!”
When the Spoke mentioned that spoiled milk does not preclude a fertilized egg, Doe just said, “What.” When asked if she planned to use safer sex methods in the future, Doe replied, “Sure.”
Jane Doe has since been spotted in the library adding lines to her resume about how she “successfully and efficiently avoided avoided teen pregnancy” and is able to “think on her feet in stressful situations.”
Meanwhile, business school students are reportedly demanding very loudly that they are reimbursed for their time spent getting tested for tuberculosis. Rumors are arising that premed students are creating a historic partnership with the English department in order to prepare a week’s worth of passive aggressive and petty comebacks, as the B-school students will reportedly try and prolong this complaint for as long as possible.