In a modern-day Salem of sorts—Emory’s Atlanta campus—a great scandal has befallen the brothers of Eagle Row. The Center for Disease Control and Prevention, located just up Clifton Road, has issued a warning to the Emory Interfraternity Council for their failure to quarantine a growing threat of Scarlet Fever. That’s right, the famed disease that killed Beth March in Little Women has infected Emory, starting at SAE and spreading up frat row.
Sources report that Patient Zero kept his affliction secret for days, silently suffering through chapter meetings and social events while his throat burned with guilt…and streptococcus. Sophomore Lester Bellingham (27B) was the first in SAE to test positive for strep, the infection preceding scarlet fever. He claimed that he attempted to make an appointment at student health, but was turned away due to a high volume of students professing to have ADHD requesting prescriptions for Adderall.
The epidemic spread as Bellingham continued socializing, claiming that “alcohol kills germs. It says so right on the Lysol wipe package.” With students unable to get treatment for their strep throats, SAE was quickly plagued by the colonial disease.
ATO was the next to succumb the following week. While the fraternity initially blamed their own outbreak on a mixer with Kappa, no cases have been reported at the sorority. However, sources revealed their brothers had been spending an awful lot of time at the SAE house the weekend before. “We were just sharing…brotherhood,” claimed one ATO member, adjusting his collar suspiciously.
The Interfraternity Council refused to comment, only stating that the CDC’s proposed solution was for infected brothers to wear red “SF” badges while they recover. Thankfully, the organization has donated some of their resources (including Adderall, Wintergreen Zyns, and condoms) to Emory’s cause, replacing the frat brothers’ shot glasses and red Solo cups with bottles of antibiotics. In this modern tale of Pride and Penicillin, the brothers of Eagle Row will have to wait for their prescriptions before getting their own happy ending. In the meantime, they remain isolated with the knowledge that at least they don’t have to wear these marks for seven years—just seven to ten days, according to the CDC.
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