Editor’s Note- Dear reader, you’ll hardly notice, but unfortunately The Spoke’s website is unable to handle the amount of data used by GIFs, and would immediately crash if we used even a single one. Thus in their stead our writers have analyzed every GIF and compressed them into the far more current medium of the written word. Enjoy.)
1) The day before school you maybe feel LIKE THIS.
GIF (4 Sec): Lea Michele, in her breakout role as Rachel Berry in the universally acclaimed series Glee, is looking down dejectedly toward the ground, but with no warning she suddenly flips her head upward in a fit of righteous fury, her hair whipping behind her like a cat-o-nine tails as her gaze locks onto someone off camera. Is she looking at Rob? Stacy? Beelzebub, Lord of Darkness himself? Her eyes burn with the heat of all nine hells combined. Who could have deserved this anger that verges on insanity? Unless you know Glee really well and can identify this scene, you shall never know, not in a million years. Whatever the case, this should be a very relatable moment for you.
GIF TEXT: In large, flashing yellow letters, the words “FUCK OFF” blink interchangeably over this instance of pure psychotic rage.
2) Or DOWN IN THE DUMPS : (
GIF (3 Sec): Once again the shot is centered on Ms. Michele as Glee’s Rachel Berry, and she is staring right into the camera with these eyes… Dear reader, if you could see these eyes, you would know the darkest abyss of the loneliest heart. She mercilessly dives into our souls with a face so twisted with agony and streaked with tears, you would feel like a victim of a hurricane just being in its presence. Clutching on to the last shred of her humanity, Ms. Michele silently mouths something to us, possibly in English, possibly in an entirely new language borne of incomprehensible suffering. Again only a seriously hardcore Glee fan could know the context of this chilling moment, but anyone who has experienced the end of an academic winter break understands where she’s coming from.
GIF TEXT: The words “life like, sucks” have been added on the bottom, but Ms. Michele does not appear to be actually saying that.
3) But CUT it OUT!!!!
GIF (2 Sec): This GIF features Rachel McAdams as Regina George from Mean Girls, the winner of Best Adapted Screenplay by the Writers Guild of America and multiple Teen Choice Awards, three of which went to Ms. McAdams for being a Choice Movie Actress, Choice Blush, and Choice Sleazebag, and indeed, if this GIF was the last remaining record of that generation-defining movie, it would justify every damn one of those Teen Choice Choice Awards. Dear reader, pardon my French here, but Ms. McAdams just fucking kills it. Ms. McAdams has this look of indignant shock like she just got slapped back to the fifth grade and then charlie-horsed in the solar plexus; she is literally gasping in shock, but her eyebrows are furrowed in the most annoying way, You can’t help but hate her as you empathize with whatever physical trauma she clearly just experienced. The cause of her pain appears to be reflected in the mirror behind her, which depicts a child sprinting in a circle, gloating over his victory against Ms. McAdams. However, as much as we’d like to root for the little lady, we are meant to relate to the surprise Ms. McAdams is experiencing in this particular GIF, for the writer’s demand for us to “CUT it OUT’ has left us scarred and betrayed.
GIF TEXT: This GIF has no text, Ms. McAdams is that good.
4) You don’t want to admit it, but winter break gets seriously BORRRING for realz.
GIF (3 Sec): This time the focus of the GIF is not any recognizable actor, nor is it from any well-known movie. It is in fact a raw three-second loop of real life taken from a domestic security camera that has captured something so everyday it rises to the profound; In the middle of a deserted living room a young man, his body splayed across a sofa, face buried in one of its armrests, idly whacks a foot against a pillow in an indulgence of extreme sloth. The loop is cut so masterfully, we are led to believe that he repeats this action forever. Dear reader, the longer you stare at this GIF, the more serious this young man’s laziness becomes, to the point it transcends into a certain “je ne sais quoi”, and finally into a full-blown existential crisis. If it were up to us, we would bestow upon this young man the 2014 Teen Choice Hissy Fit Award, but, dear reader, we do not live in a fair world.
GIF TEXT: Just the subtext of this young man’s loss of self-identity.
5) And parents are just UGHHHHHHH.
GIF (2 Sec & 3 Sec): This GIF is technically two GIFS, but conceptually is a GIF in two acts that takes place inside the SNL sketch “Mom Translator”, with comedy powerhouse Kristen Wiig as the mom and former SNL featured player Abby Elliott as the daughter. Act One is a close-up on Ms. Wiig’s bust. She is wearing a colorful striped button-up shirt under a canary yellow cardigan, an outfit that SNL costumers may believe is standard for moms, but is one that plenty of normal guys actually wear as well. Ms. Wiig’s eyebrows raise enquiringly at first but then settle as her mouth breaks into a smile of self-satisfaction. Her lips move very fast. We now move down to Act Two, which reveals that the scene is in fact in a household’s kitchen, where Ms. Elliott is seated, furiously texting on a device akin to a gameboy and moving her lips very fast, while Ms. Wiig’s character dices up carrots, her lips not moving at all now. Admittedly without the text these two looping GIFs make no sense whatsoever, but I assure you, the text below will slay you with laughter. Ms. Wiig basically becomes your Mom, because what she says is so goddamn stupid.
ACT ONE GIF TEXT: Honey, who do you think is cuter: Rabbi Renaldo or Champ Crawdaddy?
ACT TWO GIF TEXT: Oh, you mean Ryan Reynolds or Chase Crawford. Yeah neither, I like Jake Gyllenhaal.
6) And hey, FRESH STARTS RULE!!!
GIF (1 Sec): This simple tableau from unstoppable zeitgeist machine New Girl has Jake Johnson playing his role Nick Miller, who functions as a composite of a puppy and a sexual object in the show. Mr. Johnson is at a desk in front of a laptop with an empty word document opened. Inexplicably Nick Miller drums on the laptop and then claps his hands with the enthusiasm of a child and the confusion of a man who was raised in the wilderness. His zeal at first is bewildering because to us, a blank page means only work. But we are not Nick Miller, a man who is blessed with the inability to process consequences beyond five minutes in the future, and a man who refuses to see the downside of any situation. To him, the blank page is an opportunity for creation, the outlet for his imagination he has been waiting for. It is the outlet, dear reader, that we have been waiting for.
GIF TEXT: Even though Mr. Johnson does not open his mouth, at the bottom of the image is the statement “This is good”, the only thought in Nick Miller’s tranquil sand-garden of a head.
7) So GET PUMPED!!!! X)
GIF (2 Sec): For the final GIF, we return to the legendary Ms. Michele as Glee’s Rachel Berry. Her entire body is a blur as she hops up and down and claps her hands with a ceaseless energy that can not possibly be sustainable by any human body, until we remember this is Leah. Motherfucking. Michele. Her mouth flashes open violently and shapes the word “yes” so forcefully we do not even need sound to hear it ringing in our ears. For months the GIF’s shrill harpy pitch will tear apart our subconscious. Ms. Michele’s blinding burst of positivity in this GIF leaves us burning with questions: Is Ms. Michele cumming? Or sneezing really hard? Does it matter? Either way, if you weren’t bursting with joy already, dear reader, you sure are now.
GIF TEXT: If you honestly thought text accompanied this GIF, you have learned nothing about Lea Michele from this article.
Editor’s Note- Dear reader, we hope this article gave you the same meaningful sense of self-fulfillment you normally get when you scroll through columns of GIFs.