OPUS Website Now Just Shocks Visitors Repeatedly
In the taxing last minute stretch to craft the ideal schedule many visitors to OPUS today were surprised to find that while utilizing the Add/Drop/Swap system, the website did little except to repeatedly administer a painful electric shock.
Although the expected blue squares and green circles appeared, the overwhelming force of high voltage electricity that each student experienced left many trapped in useless courses such as “Yiddish for Physics Majors,” “Kite Flying 200,” and “Modern Political Theory.”
“I pay $60,000 a year for this shit,” remarked John Fleischmen from Long Island, “I could handle a punch in the face when logging in, or maybe a gentle roundhouse kick, but 180 volts is a little unreasonable.”
“Look, it’s nothing too bad,” Dean Forman told the Spoke. “There just isn’t enough space to go around, and we value smaller learning environments. After consulting with experts in the psychology department, we ignored their counsel and determined that repeated electroshock reinforcement accords with Emory values.”
Those still locked out of important classes were disappointed in the high level of voltage administered, but most were unsurprised given the level of utility they had come to expect from the Add/Drop/Swap system.
“Yeah, I didn’t get that business class I wanted again this semester” remarked Sophomore Lewis Sussman. “But last spring the website just kept sending me pop-ups about how to increase my penis size, so I can’t expect much anymore.”
At press time, the OPUS website began repeatedly flashing the phrase “Seven Days.”