As Emory students from across the globe migrate back to campus, a new flock of baby eagles are getting oriented and overly enthused, aroused and unnecessarily herded. Last week at move-in, they were pushed out of the high school nest and began the fall into the greatest four years of Mags-cig-smoke-literally-stuck-in-my-hair-after-like-four-washes.
The first-years are facing a more pungent battle during daylight hours. Sources say they are hardly succeeding. With temperatures nearing the 90s and humidity you have to swim through, the summer heat isn’t masking anyone’s nervous sweat. New roommates and BFFs are lying to each other about sweat stains and sneakily sopping their pits in communal bathrooms. Grey is not the move.
Orientation Captain Smellmore Pitts commented on the B.O. epidemic sweeping through the freshmen quad and across campus. “In the future, we hope to equip the newborns with smell management resources within the Creating Emory sessions,” she said removing earplugs from her nostrils. “Sorry these things make me sound like Squidward, but it’s sort of a necessary evil.”
Here at the Spoke we beg of you, cream up those pits, freshpeople! We’d rather see your mealy underarm deodorant balls than smell you from across what’s left of Asbury circle.
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