Emory University officials are still responding to a crisis that has shaken the Dekalb campus. A pipe has burst miles and miles away, and the plumber that usually fixes such a problem is off saving a princess from a very angsty turtle that she probably met on Tinder. This has left Emory students without clean drinking water and without working toilets or showers. One Emory freshman, however, is totally unphased by the situation. Emily Maybern, a resident of Alabama hall, says she wouldn’t have even noticed the water being off, as she only was going to drink vodka today.
“Tonight was supposed to be my Chem test, so I knew that I needed to be drunk to even get myself into the exam room. I was already three shots in when I got the email saying it was postponed and that school was cancelled. The news didn’t change my plans to get drunk. Now though, from 8-10 tonight, I can keep drinking alcohol instead of drawing its structures.”
When questioned further about the nonfunctional showers, Maybern responded, “People use alcohol to clean babies, so why would I ever use anything else? I mean it’s a disinfectant. I don’t need to be ‘informed’ or ‘intelligent’ to know that it works. Plus I don’t need perfume when I’m dripping with Burnett’s Strawberry vodka.”
Maybern said the only problem was that when she had to “pull trig” around 11:45am, she had to go to a different bathroom than her usual binge drinking grounds. “I always go to the handicapped stall. I need my space, ya know? But since no one can flush anything, the **** pile was too high for me to vomit into it. I had to go to one of those small ones. Luckily I was too drunk to notice I was in the Men’s room. And again, Fred, if you’re seeing this, I’m sorry I laughed.”
Maybern believes this experience actually enlightened her about the struggles of people without access to clean water. “Why send water,” she argues, “when I’m here living better than ever without clean water? We need to be airlifting vodka and dropping that shit down to places that need it, like at Oxford or in Complex. Water is temporary, but I’m pretty sure alcohol is like gum. It just stays forever wherever you put it. So if dehydrated folks just drink alcohol, they won’t be dehydrated?
When pressed to clarify her comments, Maybern responded, “Look, I’m no scientist, so I’ll let those CDC nerds work out the specifics. All I’m saying is I think alcohol is really the only real solution to the water shortage.”
At press time, since the bathrooms were now completely overrun, Maybern needed a break to pee into one of the two empty handles she had finished that day.
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