Thomas Langdero, sophomore student and recruitment chair for Alpha Epsilon Pi, stared through the glass, sizing up how the potential new members in the maternity ward would fair during the pledging process. While some may argue newborns are too young for Greek life recruitment, Langdero believes it’s the perfect time to begin their rush process.
Langdero explained, “Babies don’t have the ‘nurture’ side yet of the nature versus nurture debate. Greek life can become that nurture, molding our young members into fine gentleman of class and sophistication. Plus, they love boobs and, I mean, so do we.”
The nurses in the ward questioned Langdero’s presence. Martha Gelecki, the charge nurse on-duty, elaborated, “Some of the nurses thought [Thomas] was a young father, but I had my suspicions… he was far too ugly for any girl to want to have a child with him. My skepticism was confirmed when he walked into the ward, and tried giving a baby a red solo cup.”
Langdero remembers the incident, “Bruh you should have seen that baby’s grip on the cup. He knew that the juice box wasn’t cutting it and only Papa Jack Daniels could put hair on his chest in the way he wanted.”
Langdero outlined what he looks for in new potential new members, “I want babies over 7 pounds so I can bank on them being tall and I don’t want a baby to be crying all the time. Plus, the dude needs to have that indescribable quality of coolness, like someone who knows right from birth that Barney is a baller.”
At press time, Langdero made it very clear that AEPi, a Jewish fraternity, would only accept circumcised babies in accordance with Hebrew tradition. The babies must also be willing to throw up on someone else in accordance with AEPi tradition.
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