Reflecting on his experience as a transfer to the university, College sophomore Brett Engels stated that he felt “a true sense of accomplishment” and “unending pride” for his newfound misery at the highly ranked and prestigious Emory.
Engels, a transfer student from Binghamton University in New York, a school ranked 97th in the annual listing from the U.S. News and World Report, feels that the transfer was a good decision. As a prospective business student, Engels says that it is important that the university he attends is ranked in at least the top 25, so that when he meets colleagues who hail from universities ranked 26th or below, he may retain his alpha status.
“Binghamton was fun I guess, I had some nice friends, the social life was great, but I’d throw all that away in a second for the chance to laugh in the faces of lowly ranked state school attendees,” continued Engels, “Emory offered me the perfect combination of social desolation and comparative academic prestige that I was looking for all along.”
Engels, who has no friends or acquaintances, was thrilled at the abject exclusion that he was able to experience. After being rejected from every fraternity, the crew team, Pawsitive Outreach, and the salsa club, Engels knew in his heart that he had made the right decision.
“At first, I was worried that people wouldn’t have already settled into their friend groups and formed cliques by sophomore year,” stated Engels as he sat alone in the DUC, “I was so relieved when I arrived on campus and people didn’t acknowledge my existence. This is some USDA-certified, grade A, top-20-school exclusivity.”
At press time, Engels was overheard saying, “Emory is everything I had hoped for and more,” in a phone call to former Binghamton classmate Joseph Bernstein, upon hearing that Bernstein’s party last saturday was a huge hit with Engels’ former friends.