According to official statistics from an unpaid Emory athletics intern, attendance for the most recent Emory men’s soccer home game was down 50% compared to expectations of turnout based on previous events.
While many experts at first failed to propose a decent explanation, the leading theory is that midfielder James Boyden’s recent breakup with his girlfriend, Chelsea Klienfeld, is responsible for the noticeably more barren stands.
In an interview earlier today, Emory assistant director of athletics Rich Sullivan stated that administration was in a declared “state of crisis,” and that higher-ups were currently scrambling to come up with a fix. “We already have an abysmally small turnout for these games, so we have to have Chelsea there.” Sullivan went on to explain the details of the break up:
“Chelsea broke up with James because she heard from Allie that James was making out with someone else at a party, but really Marissa saw Joe, who looks like James, from across the room and told Frankie who told Allie, and then Chelsea got even more upset and, well… frankly, it’s all very complicated.”
The outlook is bleak, but the Emory administration is confident that the crippling loneliness deep inside all of us will soon drive the two back together, and get Chelsea into the stands to witness all that the D3 powerhouse has to offer. Early research estimates that Chelsea returning for the next game would represent a 200% increase over this one.
The committee put in charge of the situation also noted that they were thankful for that weird guy that always goes and cheers for James, as there seemed to be minimal risk of him failing to show up for any future games.
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