SGA Sets Out to Prove that a House Divided Can, in fact, Stand

“Abraham Lincoln was a great president, but we think he was wrong when he said an organization is better totally united,” declared SGA representative Allison Peters, addressing the two students seated before her.

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Image from a prior meeting on restructuring, courtesy of The Wheel. SGA was thrilled.

Monday night, SGA held a public forum for a very generous 30 minutes to explain the future of student life at Emory after the government split. Mikey Laurence, a sophomore in the College, voiced the sentiments of many of his peers, “There was a split? Should I care? Nah, I don’t care.”

The forum comes in response to confusion and concern following the ratification of the bill that splits SGA into an undergraduate SGA and a graduate SGA. The forum’s goal was to explain the transitory period and how the two dueling SGAs will operate after the transition is completed. The future graduate SGA president and student at Emory Law Noah Faing assured students that this new government will not have special privileges, “Like most Emory undergraduates, the GSGA will leave the College with overwhelming debt and little to show for it.”

One of the two forum attendees, Madison Mayhue, asked many questions about how the governments will cooperate with each other. Most questions were answered with, “That is a good question. We will think about that one.” From the few that were answered, it seems that undergraduate SGA will operate independently, unless they want to hold an event where alcohol is served. In such cases, they will plead with graduate SGA to “just be a bro and hook [them] up.”

“Honestly, this is the reason why graduate students wanted the split. We want more alcohol at events for free day-drinking,” explained Samantha Pallen, a student at the Emory Medical School.

“But that’s what we want to do too!” exclaimed Max Bozzer, a senior in Sigma Alpha Mu fraternity.
At press time, the two governments were fighting viciously over whether or not the split was a mistake in light of this common goal.