Listen up, sheeple. It’s time that we as a university recognize the gross human rights violations that have been taking place on our campus for nearly a century, and that nobody has done anything about. Who cares about government insurrections, voter suppression, or the COVID-19 pandemic when there is a capitalist empire right under our noses? I think everyone who’s read Das Kapital as thoroughly as I have (so, hopefully, everyone) should know who the culprit is: the Student Programming Council
In the late-stage capitalist society of Emory, SPC functions as a propaganda tool that maintains the oppressive power of the bourgeoisie class, led by none other than President Fenves. Our rights as a collective have been recklessly bargained away by SPC in exchange for “school spirit”, and the consequences have been dire. Rather than using their extensive budget and administrative influence to redistribute Dooley dollars and social clout, SPC chooses to instill a consumerist, capitalistic mindset in students in the form of dry churros and poorly roasted s’mores.
“I was so excited for Homecoming Week’s Tropical Smoothie Cafe giveaway, I almost forgot that they canceled all of our breaks,” says sophomore Ben Ladden. “But after I couldn’t sign up in time and spiraled into a severe depressive episode, my eyes were opened to the true evils of the Student Programming Capitalists.”
Ladden’s tragic experience is in no way unique. Even when it’s not Homecoming Week – which really should be called Nationalism Week – SPC’s events do nothing but promote class divides and fuel its members’ individual superiority complexes. If you’re still not convinced, hear me out: everyone in SPC seems like they were a bully as a child, and Marx definitely wouldn’t be into that. These Dooley-loving, elitist pigs need to be put in their place: now is the time for the Emory student body to rise up in a violent and valiant struggle for liberation.
TL;DR: SPC’s rampant corruption and oppression have gone too far, and revolution against our bourgeoisie overlords is the only option. It’s what Karl would have wanted.
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