Severe Weather Conditions Threaten Student Apathy
At 1 p.m. yesterday, numerous campus sources reported that the students of Emory University collectively shed their apathetic attitudes as a result of the recent inclement weather.
Gary Hauk, vice president and deputy to the president of Emory University, said that Emory’s student apathy was unprepared for the kind of enjoyment felt by students who had a chance to relax and enjoy the company of their fellow students without regard to their lack of membership in a top-tier Greek organization, alcohol overconsumption or expected level of post-graduation income.
“Between winter sports in Lullwater, the beautiful snow-kissed architecture and Facebook photo uploads, I don’t think a single student wallowed in self-pity due to their choice of collegiate institution today,” added Hauk. “It’s alarming. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
“The snowball fight on McDonough was the most attended sporting event in Emory history,” noted athletics director John Krakow. “Even without obligatory free food or raffle tickets!”
Several sources inside the administration have indicated that the university leadership engaged in valiant effort to stall the snow day and protect the last shreds of student apathy. Emory students watched as every college, spinning studio, and Petco employee training center in the Metro Atlanta Area canceled classes before their own institution.
Seasonal depression and apathy will remain for Emory healthcare staff, who were expected to be present for work on Wednesday morning.
James Wagner could not be reached for comment. His administration noted that he had called an emergency meeting to have the weather conditions under control by Friday, so that the crushing loneliness may resume, along with normal University operations.