The Office of Managing Graduation (OMG) announced yesterday that, in order to avoid yet another round of protests on the Emory campus, it would resurrect the least controversial man in American history to deliver the 2013 commencement address: Fred Rogers.
Only half of the school year has passed, but both administrators and students are exhausted from all of the scandals. The constant stream of complaints about racial insensitivity, outright dishonesty, and rampant douchebaggery has left many hoarse voices and palmed faces in its wake.
When asked about the decision, Dean Nertyme of the OMG explained that although commencement is typically an opportunity to celebrate the future, the Emory community would benefit from an opportunity to look back on a simpler time.
“Before the scandals involving Michael Jackson, Jimmy Savile, and the guy who put his hand in Elmo’s butt for a living, children’s television programs were considered to be wholesome family entertainment. Mr. Rogers was a paragon; he was the kind of person that kids listened to and parents trusted in spite of the fact that his middle name was, I kid you not, McFeely.”
Dean Nertyme went on to explain that the current generation of students lacks this ability to trust blindly. “Emory isn’t any less moral than it used to be, it’s just that people are more prone to scrutinize it. Having Mr. Rogers on the podium will remind everyone that they should respect their administrators simply because they’re older.”
The resurrection itself will be performed in the secret lab on the roof of the O. Wayne Rollins Research Center by several Bio 142 lab TAs. When asked about the project, Department Chair Steven L’Hernault said that he would back it 100% as long as “FrankenRogers doesn’t wake up and start denying evolution like the last guy.”