The Emory Spoke discovered Tuesday that the Russian Language and Culture department has forcibly overtaken the remainder of the Eastern European Language and Studies department. Professors of Russian Language and Culture made this move tactically, as Eastern European Studies professors were distracted by a polarizing debate on whether their careers, too, would be swiftly ended by President Wagner.
“Look at the course atlas for this fall,” Professor of Ukrainian Literature Vladimir Medvedev said. “There’s nothing there, and now a bunch of my weirdo colleagues from the Russian language office are poking bayonets at me while I’m trying to eat lunch. It’s annoying.”
“Я приветствую наших новых русских повелителей,” a faceless adjunct professor added.
Dr. Olga Ivanovic, Senior Russian Lecturer of Russian and commissar of the alleged annexation, said she “had no idea what everyone was talking about,” and that the department was rightfully theirs and definitely isn’t getting a pay raise out of this.
“They actually love pickled herring and just won’t admit it,” she said. “Jesus. You just can’t win with these people.”
Dr. Ivanovic told reporters that a recent poll of the Eastern European Studies department revealed that 146 percent of the department favored the annexation.
“Everything is totally cool,” she said. “Just trust me on this one.”
Other language chairs in Callaway were asked to comment.
“It’s a really sticky situation,” Senior Lecturer of Spanish Jamie Warner said. “The East European guys didn’t ever enter the Atlantic Languages pact when we all started working here, so there isn’t really anything we can do.”
“Sigh,” she added.
The initial invasion was recorded by security footage. At 4:30 a.m, masked Russian Language faculty broke into the Eastern European studies breakroom before moving to secure the offices of individual faculty members and the region’s coveted desk mint resources.
“It’s unfortunate,” said Robert Jacques, Professor of French Language and Culture. “Rest assured, we’re going to sanction them back to the stone age.”
“No faculty cookouts or wine tastings,” he continued. “Nothing.”